Archive for June, 2007

Last Call! An Anthology of Drinking Quotes

2007, Jun 1st

* “Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.” — Billy Carter

* “Something has been said for sobriety but very little.” — John Berryman

* “Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; The best of life is but intoxication: . . . ” — Lord Byron

* “Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?” — William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

* “One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough.” — Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

* “Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn’t have you by the throat.” — Charles Bukowski

* “Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.” — Mark Twain

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If Operating Systems Were Beers

2007, Jun 1st

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
Once considered the world’s most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

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Funny Geek T-Shirts

2007, Jun 1st

Only a few from the many, but the ones I found the most humorous.

geek-tshirt-01.jpggeek-tshirt-02.jpggeek-tshirt-03.jpggeek-tshirt-04.pnggeek-tshirt-05.pnggeek-tshirt-06.jpg

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Cruise-Holmes Not Amused At Would-be Porn Star Using Katee Holmes As Name

2007, Jun 1st

New York – An 18-year-old student who wants to be a porn star has changed her name to Katee Holmes.

This Katee spells her name with two e’s, while the one married to Tom Cruise ends her name with i-e. But regardless, Cruise and Holmes are furious. Holmes’ publicist tells the New York Post “it’s a really cheap shot.” It gets worse.

The girl says she’s a virgin and wants to have sex for the first time on screen.

Her manager says “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie.”

Source

Katie Holmes at SexyDesktop

Katie Holmes at Skins.be

Field Guide To The North American Bikini

2007, Jun 1st

Summer’s here, the weather’s heating up, and bikinis are popping up at beaches and pools nationwide. You’re lying to yourself if you think you won’t be staring. And getting caught. But if you didn’t push forward anyway and go for the hook up, you’d have to turn in your Guy Card.

With that in mind, here is your Field Guide to the North American Bikini. Read it. Learn it. So when she says, “What the hell are you looking at?” you can tell her you were just admiring her choice of bandeau top and low cut bottoms with keyhole tie sides. She still might think you’re a jerk. But at least you’re an educated jerk.

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The World’s First Organic Tequila

2007, Jun 1st

4 Copas Tequila was honored at an event this week celebrating it’s endorsement as the first Certified Organic tequila in history. Local and international dignitaries, industry experts and press were on hand at the La Quemada distillery where 4 Copas is made, in Jalisco, Mexico. Named the Tequila of the Year 2006 by Wine & Spirits Magazine, and consecutive gold medals at the World Spirits Competition, the organic Elixir is breaking into new markets throughout the USA.

“While enjoying a healthy following in Hollywood circles, it is our goal to communicate our commitment of purity and unsurpassed taste to the rest of the United States in the second and third quarters of 2007”, says Chris Melendez, President/CEO of 4 Copas USA. “The distillery really is a special place. Over the years, we have recruited the industry’s top professionals, whose passion for what they do, easily translates into what is inside the bottle. The fact that we do it organically makes it even nicer, and better for the consumer. One taste and you will know”.

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Cop Avoids Charges In Pot Brownie Caper

2007, Jun 1st

Dearborn, Michigan – A police officer in this Detroit suburb was allowed to resign after admitting he took marijuana from criminal suspects and, with his wife, baked it into brownies.

The department’s decision not to prosecute former Cpl. Edward Sanchez left a bad taste in the mouth of at least one city official, who vowed to investigate.

“If you’re a cop and you’re arresting people and you’re confiscating the marijuana and keeping it yourself, that’s bad. That’s real bad,” City Councilman Doug Thomas told the Detroit Free Press for a story Thursday.

“That’s like apprehending a bank robber and keeping some of the money for yourself.”

The newspaper said Sanchez, who resigned last year, declined to comment Wednesday.

Police Cmdr. Jeff Geisinger left a phone message with Detroit television station WDIV saying Sanchez resigned during an internal investigation. Geisinger did not return subsequent calls asking why Sanchez was not prosecuted.

The department’s investigation began with a 911 call from Sanchez’s home on April 21, 2006. On a 5-minute tape of the call, obtained by the Free Press under the Michigan Freedom of Information Act, Sanchez told an emergency dispatcher he thought he and his wife were overdosing on marijuana.

“I think we’re dying,” he said. “We made brownies and I think we’re dead, I really do.”

Sanchez later told police investigators that his wife took the marijuana out of his police vehicle while he was sleeping. In a subsequent interview, he admitted he got the marijuana out of the car himself, put it in the brownie mix and ate the brownies.

Source

Sales Of Sex Toys In British Nightclubs “Going Down Well”

2007, Jun 1st

London – The introduction of sex toys into nightclubs across the UK is going down well [those Brits and their puns] according to the UK’s largest nightclub operator, Luminar Leisure.

Luminar, owners of the Oceana and Liquid nightclubs, has agreed to a deal with leading pleasure retailer Ann Summers to introduce a range of products into six late-night venues.

The range has been selected from Ann Summers best selling products and is available from branded vending machines that have been tactically positioned within venues to make them accessible to all clubbers. [I would assume near the alcohol, the bathrooms, and possibly the back alley.]

The trial – which is already proving popular with women and hen and stag parties – is due to be ramped up with the installation of machines into an additional six clubs this month.

Products available to clubbers include naughty sweets, forfeit cards, lube, garters and their best selling Rampant Rabbit.

“The products are being purchased mainly by women but are also proving popular with party groups… The July smoking ban will have an obvious impact on revenue generated from cigarettes but these new machines are not only adding to the fun club experience but sales have also been very encouraging.” said Luminar. [Brilliant. Replace one oral fixation with another.]

Ann Summers Chief Executive Jacqueline Gold said: “Now that you can buy our world famous products in Luminar venues it guarantees clubbers the perfect end to a great night. From a woman’s perspective, unlike anything else you might take home with you, this one is guaranteed to perform, will look as good the morning after, and won’t lie about calling you!”

Source

Japanese Women Bust Out

2007, Jun 1st

Double Yum

Tokyo – All over Japan, retailers are scrambling to keep up with a new look known as “bon-kyu-bon.” It means “big-small-big” and it signals a change in the way Japanese women look: they’re getting curvier.

Japanese stores that used to keep just two or three sizes of clothing on hand are rushing to stock larger sizes. Juicy Couture, known for its figure-hugging terrycloth tracksuits, opened one of its biggest stores in Tokyo last year. And Tokyo’s high-end Isetan department store, which used to relegate its bigger sizes to one corner, now prominently features larger items from designers such as Ralph Lauren, Diane von Furstenberg and DKNY.

Wacoal Corp., Japan’s largest lingerie company, was once known for its super-padded brassieres. Now the company has a new best-seller: the “Love Bra,” a cleavage-boosting creation with less padding, aimed at curvier women in their 20s.

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Porn Star’s Blog Has Tennessee Trooper in Hot Water

2007, Jun 1st

The Tennessee Highway Patrol has suspended a trooper who allegedly received a sexual favor from a porn star and recorded the act with a camera from his cruiser in return for ignoring her possession of illegal painkillers.

The woman, who goes by the stage name Barbie Cummings, said that at a traffic stop on May 7, trooper James Randy Moss found illegal painkillers in her car, but decided not to bust the Knoxville woman in return for a sexual favor.

Now Moss is on paid administrative leave pending an investigation by the Tennessee Department of Safety.

The incident came to the attention of officials when someone filed an internal complaint against the veteran trooper, according to Tennessee Highway Patrol spokesman Mike Browning.

Browning told ABC News that he could add few details beyond a press release issued Friday that announced Moss’ indefinite suspension.

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U.S. Video Crew Filming ‘Beautiful Cities’ Sees Ugly Side Of Vancouver

2007, Jun 1st

Vancouver – A U.S. film crew shooting a documentary about the world’s ‘most beautiful cities’ may have gotten the wrong picture of Vancouver.

All of their camera equipment and other items were stolen from a rental van while the Boston filmmakers were taking a coffee break on Wednesday.

Vancouver police said Thursday the video camera was valued at $50,000.

The thieves also took another camera, a cellphone, some headphones and all of the crew’s videotaped footage.

Const. Howard Chow says the robbery has the potential to hurt the image of the city.

“Ironically they were filming Vancouver as being one of the top places in the world to live and visit,” he said.

Source

Trouble Brews In Germany As Boom In Biofuel Jacks Up Price Of Beer

2007, Jun 1st

Aying, Germany – Like most Germans, brewer Helmut Erdmann is all for the fight against global warming. Unless, that is, it drives up the price of his beer.

And that is exactly what is happening to Erdmann and other German brewers as farmers abandon barley – the raw material for the national beverage – to plant other, subsidized crops for sale as environmentally friendly biofuels.

“Beer prices are a very emotional issue in Germany – people expect it to be as inexpensive as other basic staples like eggs, bread and milk,” said Erdmann, director of the family-owned Ayinger brewery in Aying, an idyllic village nestled between Bavaria’s rolling hills and dark forests with the towering Alps on the far horizon.

“With the current spike in barley prices, we won’t be able to avoid a price increase of our beer any longer,” Erdmann said, stopping to sample his freshly brewed, golden product right from the steel fermentation kettle.

In the last two years, the price of barley has doubled to about US$270 per tonne as farmers plant more crops such as rapeseed and corn that can be turned into ethanol or biodiesel, a fuel made from vegetable oil.

As a result, the price for the key ingredient in beer – barley malt, or barley that has been allowed to germinate – has soared by more than 40 per cent, to around 385 euros or $520 per tonne, from around 270 euros a tonne two years ago, according to the Bavarian Brewers’ Association.

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Hershey Sues Imprisoned Marijuana Candy Maker Alleging Trademark Infringement

2007, Jun 1st

San Jose, Calif. – It was a big enough bummer for Kenneth Affolter when he was sentenced to more than five years in prison for making pot-laced treats and soft drinks.

Now he faces the wrath of a candy giant.

The Hershey Co. has sued Affolter, 40, for giving his marijuana goodies names like Stoney Rancher, Rasta Reese’s and Keef Kat. Each came in packaging similar to Hershey’s Jolly Rancher, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Kit Kat candies, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration said.

Hershey’s suit, filed earlier this month in U.S. District Court in San Jose, accuses Affolter of trademark infringement, trademark dilution and unfair competition. The company is seeking US$100,000 in damages.

Papers were served on Affolter on Tuesday while he was in a county jail awaiting transfer to state prison.

Affolter’s lawyer, David Michael, said he is negotiating with Hershey.

Source

Taxman Takes On Striptease In Norway

2007, Jun 1st

Oslo – Tickets to striptease shows in Norway, until now exempt from value-added tax (VAT) because they were considered to be an art, will be subjected to a 25 percent levy, the government said Tuesday.

In the 2007 revised budget bill, Finance Minister Kristin Halvorsen proposed changing the law to make striptease shows a commercial activity liable to VAT.

The move is seen as a way of circumventing two court decisions in 2005 and 2006 which ruled that striptease was an art.

In both cases, the judges found in favour of the owner of the Diamond Go Go Bar in Oslo, who argued that striptease was an art like opera or ballet and therefore refused to add VAT to ticket prices.

“Striptease will refer clearly to traditional shows in strip clubs as well as performances of a similar nature, such as the Chippendales,” the group of male dancers, the finance ministry said in a statement.

“The term ‘striptease’ will not refer to plays or other similar artistic expressions which contain nude scenes as part of the storyline,” the ministry added.

The 22 Worst Town Names In The World

2007, Jun 1st

22. Cockburn, Western Australia
Although this name is often pronounced “Coburn” by those who stand to lose from its awfulness, who actually reads that when they see this word? Oh, how it burns.

21. Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland
The Shetland Islands, pronounced “Shitland Islands” if you have an accent like mine, make up a happy little area north of Scotland where it’s too cold for trees to grow. I am related to approximately half the population of the Shetland Islands, share a last name with a quarter of them, and can probably trace my ancestry back to Twatt if I try hard enough. The pride!

20. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand
Locals call this hill in Hawke’s Bay “Taumata” because… Well. Just because.

19. Muff, Ireland
We here at Drivl love puerile humour. They have a town called Muff. Har har har.

18. Looneyville, Texas, United States
Little Looneyville was named for storekeeper John Looney in the early 1870s. But who gives a shit. This is a hilarious name for a town in the state that brought us Dallas, the Bush Twins and Waco. How awkward must that be when you go to college? “Hey guys, my name’s Sue and I’m from Looneyville!”

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Belgium Kids Have More Fun Than The Rest Of Us

2007, Jun 1st

 playgroundfun.jpg

Courtesy of Worse Than Failure


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